Thanks to one of my favourite singlettes who raised this very common question:
“Tell me – if you don’t want to respond to a guy’s advances in a kissing sense, by the second or third date, but you do enjoy hanging out with them, does that mean that you aren’t really attracted to them? … Should I not go on more dates with them?”
I believe we all bring all sorts of variation into each and every dating encounter we have. Our experience of any one date is influenced by all sorts of factors including: our relationship history; our stress/wellness levels and current emotional state; our personality; our expectations – what you think you “should” do or feel at a certain time. Then double all this variation, because his position on all these things will also influence your experience! As such it is unwise to follow ANY hard and fast rules when it comes to dating.
So, if there are no rules, how do you decide if it is right for you?
Well if rules, that come from the head, are unreliable in this scenario (I mean, it’s not a math equation!)… we have to listen to something else… our feelings!
So what if you are listening to your feelings and, as in the above example, they say you like hanging out with this guy but aren’t feeling sexual about him yet? Great! That would be a good hint to keep hanging out with him but don’t be sexual yet!
Lots of ladies will get worried about losing his interest if they don’t move according to his timeframe, or else, get anxious about getting criticised for being a ‘cock tease’. My response to this is: if your date is much more highly sexed then you, does not respect you enough to respect your comfort levels, or, his automatic response is to criticise you when he feels let down- this is very good information!! Do you really want a partner who either has a drastically mis-matched libido to you, has to have things done on his timeframe regardless of how you feel, or who resorts to criticism when he feels put out?!
How to do this practically? Be honest, uncritical, non-defensive and remember, you do not need to give excuses- as much as our brains may struggle to understand, there may be no rational reason for you to feel like this! Keep him in touch with where you are at:
“I really love hanging out with you but I’m not feeling ready to be sexual with you right now” “You are great company, I’m just not feeling it in that way tonight” “I love how much you desire me, unfortunately I’m taking a longer time to warm up in that way at the moment” “This has been great, I’d be keen to try (insert what you are curious about), if you are!”